Where Is Seska?

Wow! It has been a while since I have shared a personal blog entry. It is not that I have not had a personal life. I have. That is one reason I have not written a personal post in some time. I have been busy with living life that I haven’t had much time to write about it. What has been keeping me from writing?

Family

I have been spending A LOT of time with family and loving it so much. Being an aunt is awesome. It has opened me up to so much love that I feel like I might burst. It has also made me work hard on being engaged and present in a whole new way. I find that so rewarding. The downside is that it also involves travel as my niece is not in Montreal. When I am gone it means when I get home I have to play catch up on my different obligations and activities and some stuff has been at the bottom of the to do list. I have re-arranged some things and I should have a better schedule in 2014 once the holidays are over. Regular postings to come!!! Streamlining things!!!  Woo!!!

Burlesque

Speaking of streamlining, a bunch of that has been with regards to burlesque. I have combed through my costume collection a couple of times in the past year and focused my selection for my strongest numbers – ones that I can do at more upscale shows and for private events. This has been a smart move and for the past few months I have been getting more gigs and even making some decent money off of my burlesque activities (decent is subjective of course – in my case it means more money coming in than going out). I have also been hosting more which is something I very much want to pursue in 2014. I like helping to hold a show together and showcase other artists. It is a very good feeling to bring the community together.

Fear & Other Stuff

It also hasn’t been that pressing for me to write about the ups and downs in my life as it was before because there have been a lot less of ups and downs. After a few very tumultuous years things have settled down for me. All my personal work has paid off and I am feeling very grounded and focused. There have been some bumps in the road, but I have dealt with them with a new found sense of equanimity. Thank you three years of therapy and my Buddhist influenced personal development work (mindfulness practices saved my life – truly).

Though I would be really deceiving myself (and you, my readers) if I said I am not also dealing with some fears. Money has been an issue. Depression and anxiety kept me pretty much flat on the floor for many months (on and off) which made working and earning an income pretty inconsistent. I have had to take a hard look at my expenses and the meager ways I can earn in living with adult content these days and look at other streams of revenue.

Last summer things finally came to a head and I did some major emotional and physical housekeeping and have spent much of the past 18 months cutting things and people out of my life, tying up lose ends (filed for the divorce and ended that chapter of my life officially), and creating a new foundation for my life.

Then there is my love life. I have a better understanding of what I want, but I am lacking some confidence. The risk of dating is very real to me. I cannot go about it as discretely as I would like as I have lived a very publicly documented life since 1998. Online dating holds zero interest for me as having online profiles and dealing with emails and strangers reaching out to me is something I have done on a daily basis for many, many years. Playing it light and sleeping around also doesn’t hold much interest for me. You could say I am looking for something new which in this day and age of extensive social networking is not easy to find.

I am in the process of figuring out what it is. I expect I will know it or rather him or her – when I see it. I haven’t given up hope, but I am feeling cautious, even risk averse.  I want to make smart choices and right now being single and solo is all part of this new foundation of mine.

2 thoughts on “Where Is Seska?

  1. Dear Seska:
    I recently rediscovered you on the internet. I was a fan of yours many years ago, when Internet erotica began. It was in the early part of my second and best marriage, and your enthusiastic sexual play was how I thought – and still think – sex should be for a couple. I am a straight man, half a decade older than my wife, and still living, and in love with the same relatively open minded woman for over 30 years. The thought of your sexual activities with others while you were married was a source of fascination for me. I could understand the excitement of sharing my wife with select others, but I did not know how to do it and not become insecure at the thought of losing her to so many exciting alternatives. I felt that the risk of losing our relationship was greater than the excitement we would have living a life of sexual freedom. My wife and I had some group experiences early in our relationship which we both found extremely exciting. They were gifts we gave to each other that made our relationship hotter in the beginning, and we have remained together ever since. Other than these few play-times, I remained monogamous, and, by telling me of her adventures during our marriage, I believe she did too. I read with sadness that you had divorced. I am a divorce attorney in California and see misery and loss daily. Having a strong, supportive relationship is the only way I could withstand the negativity that visits my office. My job is to help people put their old lives aside, and begin new, happier ones. I have had a number of “Lifestyle” clients whose relationships died due to deceit – not infidelity – when their spouse fell in love with someone who they had only agreed to have sex with. This sexual play started in full view of their spouse – the person they shared their lives with – and then ended in subsequent, secret meetings in motels. This exciting “Lifestyle” alternative sharply contrasted with their long term partner with whom they shared their often dull, repetitive lives of work, paying bills, raising children and, finally, aging. During my late twenties to my early forties, you, and the Lifestyle you seemed to exemplify was alluring, but frightening. I still have my wife, and we still love each other, even though our sexuality is waning with our age. You displayed sex as play, and not a serious, driven need for exhaustion to distract from daily lives of apparent meaninglessness. My own wife’s experimentation with other women was exciting to both of us, but as life became more burdensome the play seemed to disappear from sex. Now, I can barely remember any specific act or evening of sex in all those years of marriage. We took it for granted. Seeing you have sex and have fun while you did it was a periodic reminder to me of what sex was like for us in our early relationship. I thank you for it. Reading that you lost your business and your income showed me the harsh practical reality of changing markets, but hearing you lost your relationship too, was a sorrow to hear. You withstood the challenges of sexual freedom I was so worried about, yet when it ended, so did your marriage. I would love to know how and why it happened, as I have become something of professional on the subject of how and why marriages break up. More importantly, I study how they remain strong, filled with “loving kindness.” I still have a lot to learn to be a better husband, and show my wife how much I still love her, even though I am less physically able to demonstrate it. We are grandparents now, and I have never been this old before. My grandparents never seemed to have a sexual thought in their heads, but sex is something my wife treasures and I do not want us to give it up. I suppose they kept their private lives discreet, but I am left with no examples to show me how to make up for my loss of penile rigidity than to try to become more softly gentle with someone I have shared my life with for so long. Is your story one you would share with me, so that I could learn from it? You showed me an example of young and playful sexuality. I need to learn how to be older and yet still generously pleasing to my wife, who deserves every bit of skill, warmth and care to make her feel the love I still hold for her. You took the path we did not. Other than a dozen exceptions, we took the path you did not. Can your example or your story shed light on what I can do to keep my wife fulfilled despite our aging?

    1. What I currently share online is what I am comfortable sharing and prefer to live a more private life at this time. Keep in mind what I shared nearly 20 years ago was but a snapshot of my sex life. While we captured authentic moments, it was a commercial production. I understand that some people saw Amateur Porn as an ideal but it was never my intention. It was a form of expression, but again just a snapshot from a more whole and complex life.

      In terms of aging and sexuality, I recommend Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex by Joan Price. I also think adults (especially cis and hetreo) can benefit from reading Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein and Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski.

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