I’m thinking of starting to vlog. I had hoped to start last fall, but I didn’t have the funds to get the equipment so I put the idea on hold while I saved up. But there was more than finances to the delay. There was trepidation.
If I vlog I want to focus on my current interests of simplicity, minimalism and wellness (especially midlife issues like perimenopause). I wasn’t sure if my following on social media was interested in that kind of content. I still mainly get e-mails and comments from people who knew me from my adult industry work. While some do say they enjoy my authenticity and openness as I’ve blogged about my life post-porn, they are men who found me because they were looking for porn and it’s mainly what they want to focus on in their e-mails. That was all fine and good when I worked in that industry, but I haven’t for nearly ten years now. I’ve moved on and would like people to move on too. I’m not ungrateful for past members or ashamed of my past. I’m just not interested in performative sexuality anymore.
My new interests do appeal to some of the old followers (especially when I talk about my sobriety as others have similar struggles), but I’m also seeking to reach out to people a little more like myself – CIS women in midlife going through all the joys and challenges that seem to come with this time in our lives. Many of us are questioning our choices, deconstructing our lives and rebuilding – not just us retired porn stars. Anyway, it’s these people I want to reach. If people who know me from my old life are interested they can follow along and if not they can live in the past and do whatever to all the stolen xxx of mine that is littered online. I’m OK with that as long as it’s on their time and in their space.
So much wishful thinking on my part. I know.
Anyway, intentional, sustainable and healthy living is what I’ve been posting about on Instagram and it’s allowed me to connect with people interested in much the same things. I find the experience of sharing my life lessons with people dealing with similar challenges rewarding and empowering. The same thing can be said from the other side – what I learn from the interesting, genuine people I follow. I find it inspiring and life affirming. I think vlogging can add to this experience. Enhance it even.
Granted, there is a lot of negativity and trolling in the comments on YouTube. Last fall I wasn’t sure if I could handle the mindless critiquing that seems to be ubiquitous there. A certain amount of not caring what other people think is required. I have experience with that given I’ve lived online since 1999 or so. Still, I can get peeved by certain engagements. I’m bored whenever I post a body shot or anything remotely ‘pretty’ or glamorous and get mainly the male gaze. I’m annoyed when I post about challenges or share a vulnerable moment and get advice or some pseudo uplifting message (***hugs***) when I wasn’t seeking any. I’m turned off when I get offers from strangers half way around the world to date me or have sex with me. I don’t understand how anyone thinks an Instagram or Twitter profile is a Tinder profile.
Thankfully, the ‘you used to be hot’, ‘your to old to f*ck now’, or ‘you should have stuck to sucking c*ck’ comments – I barely notice them anymore.
What makes me hopeful though is that I have found some channels like Eco Boost, Lauren Toyota, Samio, Pick Up Limes, My Green Closet, Jenny Mustard and Alli Cherry that brim with optimism, usefulness and kindness. I think by focusing on those qualities the haters will make their idiotic posts and then move on because of boredom.
Oh, and all of the talk of perimenopause. ;-)