• Inner Work

    Equanimity

    I’m obsessed with equanimity. It’s an often sought out thing, but a little used word. And it’s the word I want tattooed onto my body because I value equanimity so much. Equanimity is a mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. For much of my life – until I entered therapy when I was 39 – I struggled with finding any bit of peace within myself. I was always in panic mode. Always dealing with low and high levels of anxiety. Always trying to control things outside of myself (impossible and so so so draining) in order to avoid feeling my troubling or scary feelings.…

  • Personal Journey

    A Revelation

    What I am about to share is a very big deal for me. It’s something I have not shared with anyone online. Big breath. OK, here goes. This photo isn’t an accurate representation of how I look. At least not now, in person, on a day to day basis. You see, that is because in the fall of 2013 I cut off most of my hair and in the spring of 2015 I stopped dying it. And during all that time if I was to go on stage for a burlesque show or take a selfie for the Internetz I wore a wig. This is what I actually look like today.…

  • Personal Journey

    I Am Afraid of Money

    Financial insecurity follows me around like a little pesky, taunting entity. It’s based in my reality. As a freelancer my income is inconsistent. I have debt. I was never taught money management skills and I never sought them out. Above all, I’m afraid of money – having it AND not having it. This is because I see my financial worth as a reflection of my personal worth. My heart knows this isn’t true, but my busy little poisoned mind likes to tell tall tales and say that it is true. I’m working on it. Unpacking it. Observing it. Releasing it. My bank account, my tax return, my debt – they don’t reflect my worth…

  • Inner Work,  Personal Journey

    Avoiding Pain

    I have circled around this for a few months (actually years but very specifically more recently). Not pain but the various strategies I have used throughout my life to try to avoid pain, why I have tried to do so and why none have ever worked. It’s been interesting to unpack this deep-set of wounds. Challenging for sure, but interesting too. Perfection When I was a teenager and into my twenties I thought that if only I did such and such a thing I would be perfect and then I would not be in pain, that I would be happy. I thought pain was something to be avoided (more on…

  • Personal Journey

    September Catch-up

    Have you been following me on Twitter and Instagram? It’s where I’ve been most of the spring and summer. Online at least. That’s because I haven’t had time to dedicate to my writing beyond 140 characters. It was an experiment of sorts. Here is what happened. Opportunity In February/March I had the opportunity to apply for a job at Chez Stella – a local sex worker resource organization. Job opportunities are not something that come my way very often. One reason is that I have been self-employed and freelancing for close to 20 years. Another is that most of my work has been in and around the adult industry. I knew when I started in…