Moving out on my own has been an interesting experience. I realized quite quickly that I am very protective of my space. It is my sanctuary. I felt at home right away, but it has taken me months to get settled. Mostly, because of finances, as I have had to buy a piece of furniture one at a time. It is not quite fully furnished, much less decorated, but it is on its way. I am thinking in a month’s time, after the Montreal Burlesque Festival, I will be ready to have people over for a housewarming.
It feels weird to have one. I feel my situation is not one that deserves celebration. It has been so painful. However, this new chapter is not only about the end of my marriage and all the hurt that surrounds this. It is truly about figuring out who I am and what I want. Listening intently to what my insides tell me – my inner voice which while full of fear, anxiety and anger is also filled with hope, desire and amazement; listening to my body which is slowly melting from its frozen, numb, paralyzed state. Its reactions tell me things too – to slow down, to breathe, and to be gentle.
Being quiet in my little home is helpful even though it will take some time for it to be how I envision it to be. Like much of my life right now I want to skip ahead two years from now to a time when my heart will be healed, my work back on track and my apartment fully furnished and decorated (oh, and actually have some savings again). Nope. It doesn’t work that way. You need to live life not fast forward through it. I need to go through this difficult time so I can grow, be strong and feel like I am in control of my life – a full participant anyway – and not this walking dead person I often feel I am (my hurt is complex and deep – I had no idea how much there was until recently). So I need to go through this, all of this tending of wounds, so someday soon I will have more confidence and my inner voice will merge with my outer voice and be strong and true. I don’t think it has ever been, but I hope it will be one day.
Back to my sanctuary. I finally finished making the drawers for my cabinet. I will need another one, but it is a start. Over the next day or two I plan on going through a few boxes, sorting things, purging some and filing the rest. Hopefully there will be more purging than filing. I want to keep my space simple and open.
Working from home as well as having a hobby like burlesque makes for too many possessions. I have rid myself of half my costumes and only kept the pieces I use often and are of good quality. Now I need to do much the same with my papers. I need to keep only the things that truly matter.