• Inner Work,  Personal Journey

    Avoiding Pain

    I have circled around this for a few months (actually years but very specifically more recently). Not pain but the various strategies I have used throughout my life to try to avoid pain, why I have tried to do so and why none have ever worked. It’s been interesting to unpack this deep-set of wounds. Challenging for sure, but interesting too. Perfection When I was a teenager and into my twenties I thought that if only I did such and such a thing I would be perfect and then I would not be in pain, that I would be happy. I thought pain was something to be avoided (more on…

  • Personal Journey

    September Catch-up

    Have you been following me on Twitter and Instagram? It’s where I’ve been most of the spring and summer. Online at least. That’s because I haven’t had time to dedicate to my writing beyond 140 characters. It was an experiment of sorts. Here is what happened. Opportunity In February/March I had the opportunity to apply for a job at Chez Stella – a local sex worker resource organization. Job opportunities are not something that come my way very often. One reason is that I have been self-employed and freelancing for close to 20 years. Another is that most of my work has been in and around the adult industry. I knew when I started in…

  • Personal Journey

    Why I Don’t Hide Or Deny My Past

    OK, time for a super personal blog post about who I am and what I used to do for a living. Yes, I was some version of a porn star. I do not hide or deny my past work because I think once you have done sex work you should be allowed the freedom and opportunity to do other work – without having to say you were a victim or a survivor if you do not identify as one. I do not hide or deny this aspect of my life because this experience has brought me to where I am today. It has helped shape me into the woman I am today. I’m…

  • Body & Wellness,  Personal Journey

    Public Declaration

    Sharing this blog post is a bit scary for me. I am declaring what is important to me. This declaration is about me making a commitment to myself. It is about me sharing a vision of my life. It is about inviting others to share in my journey of exploration and wellness. It’s also about making a list. You see, I want to share some personal life goals and use this special space that is Love-Yourself Living to further document my journey toward wellbeing. I want to be accountable. I want to do what I say I am going to do. I say all this knowing that I have publicly shared of myself…

  • Personal Journey

    2014 An Interesting Year

    2014 has been an interesting year, that is for sure. Pretty much a game changer for me. Sobriety The most interesting super big thing I did? I got sober. I won’t go into the details of what drinking was like for me because it still feels rather nuanced and personal, but what I can say is that ultimately I was very unhappy because of my drinking. My health, relationships and productivity all suffered because of it. I have had phases of sobriety these past few years and decided at the end of 2013 that it was time once and for all to go for it – take booze out of…

  • Personal Journey

    Where Is Seska?

    Wow! It has been a while since I have shared a personal blog entry. It is not that I have not had a personal life. I have. That is one reason I have not written a personal post in some time. I have been busy with living life that I haven’t had much time to write about it. What has been keeping me from writing? Family I have been spending A LOT of time with family and loving it so much. Being an aunt is awesome. It has opened me up to so much love that I feel like I might burst. It has also made me work hard on…

  • Personal Journey

    Being Truthful – Feeling Whole

    February was hard. Don’t get me wrong. There were many highlights during the shortest month of the year. It was my birthday at the beginning of the month and I had such meaningful happy moments with family and friends (including lots of aunt + niece time), but the month was also filled with a fair amount of travel, some illness (woo! gastro!) and a few interactions with toxic people (woo! emotional gastro!). There was also a walk down memory lane (woo! high school!) which had me feeling so disconnected.  I was unsure of how to be myself as I am now among people who knew me when. I behaved in…

  • Personal Journey

    I Fell in Love in 2012

    I was at my weekly therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I was having a down week. I was feeling so anxious and spent. Like Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, I was having The Mean Reds. Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds? Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues? Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat and maybe it’s been raining too long, you’re just sad that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? Paul Varjak: Sure. This was not the…

  • Personal Journey

    Transformative

    On this night three years ago I voiced in confidence what I had decided to do. I was terribly lost and ever so afraid. The build up to the worst day of my life. Afterwards, one of the only things that made sense to me were sentimental songs. Their lyrics resonated as my heart broke and I feared that I was losing my mind. I was cruising about on the net and found another sentimental song to bookend this experience. I am so satisfied by the transformation. I truthfully didn’t think it was possible. It came to pass. It did not come to stay. I am sharing this because I…

  • Personal Journey

    All About Eve – Young Ladies & Old Broads

    Like many of you I putter around the Internet and during my puttering I visit the celebrity gossip site Lainey Gossip. The gal who runs it is Canadian and has a voice and perspective I enjoy. It helps me feel connected to current pop culture. This desire for this connection might have to do with the main topic of this post. I feel like in my 40s I’m drowning in a sea of 20-somethings and their priorities (or those of mommies in mini-vans). I am feeling a little lost in our differences. Recently Lainey posted two articles about comments young female artists (Lena Dunham and Nicki Minaj) made about how much…

  • Personal Journey

    RHH Live

    RHH Live is a weekend conference created by Marie Forleo. The conference began on Friday afternoon with a meet and greet. I chatted with a few of the women there (as you might have guessed RHH Live is geared towards women). This turned out to be key to the second part of my NYC adventure as the lovely Denise-Marie of Glitter The Globe helped me out in a BIG WAY when Hurricane Sandy hit and I was stranded in NYC for 5 extra days. Josh Pais was our first speaker and he led us through very physical and emotional exercises that explored how to be present in our bodies without getting all…

  • Personal Journey

    Big Feelings

    Today, I was debating if and how to write about my tendencies when it comes to sex, love and relationships. I have some new insights about them, but I am not quite ready to share them as sharing them is one of my tendencies. As I sat at my computer I was confused and hesitant (still am) so I decided to check out my Twitter feed to see what people were up to. There I found an article that piqued my interest and inspired me to write a sex-ed type commentary about it. Well, that then turned into a personal type post. I was back where I started, but looking…

  • Personal Journey

    Back Online

    It’s Friday night. I’m in my new apartment. I’m using my computer and the Internet. Finally. I did enjoy my break from technology though it wasn’t a total one. I used up a bunch of data by using my iPhone excessively. Thankfully, I have a good package. But yeah, I wasn’t really as offline as I could of been. On the other hand, I was without cable so I didn’t watch TV at all. That was rather nice. I liked it mostly because the decrease in tech use allowed me to fully unpack and get settled into my new place. Not a box is left. Such a relief. I have…

  • Personal Journey

    Release & Embrace

    Happy Monday everyone! It feels like a happy one for me. The sun is up. The sky is bright and blue. I made myself a cup of delicious coffee. I had to grind the beans myself because I forgot to do it yesterday at the awesome 100% organic shop near my place, but that’s OK. It’s also a happy Monday because I woke up to two cats inches from my face and their whiskers grazing my nose. Sure, I wanted to sleep some more. I had gone to bed the night before at 12:30AM and it was 6:43AM. More sleep was needed. However, it is a happy feeling to be needed and…

  • Personal Journey

    Cuba Vacation

    I was away! I went on vacation! I didn’t use a computer and I only texted to let my friends and family know I arrived safely (OK, I also sent a couple of friends some texts about my observations). But still it was quite a tech free time. Instead, I spent my days reading, writing and swimming. I spent my nights looking at the stars and sleeping (having such wild and vivid dreams). I stayed at a small resort. I think their maximum capacity is 80 people. There were about 40 when I went. Mostly seniors as well as a few younger couples and a handful of single men who…

  • Personal Journey

    New Photos – New Beginning

    I did a photoshoot this weekend with Hausmann Photography. She specializes in pin-up, burlesque and boudoir photography. It was the first shoot in a long time where I felt truly comfortable in my own skin. An amazing experience. It’s been 14 years since I created my personal website, 14 years of taking photos and videos and sharing them online. The experience has been ever changing. Technology has changed so much and I have changed too. So many ebbs and flows. I love having this documentation though at times I also struggle with it. It’s challenging to have over provocative 50k pics of yourself at so many stages of your adult…

  • Personal Journey

    Endings Lead to New Beginnings and I Am Afraid

    I have been trying to figure out where my malaise is coming from. I have been sleeping so much and having a deep desire to disappear. I have been experiencing some anxiety and physical discomfort, but mostly I have felt stuck, still, passive, inert – dead. The only desire I have had is the desire to fade far into my dreams and away from my reality.  I have felt like this for a number of weeks. I was feeling so on the ball, so focused and excited in January and part of February and then heighten emotion hit me and then I froze. The truth of my situation came upon me and I am…

  • Personal Journey

    The Power of Hugs

    I came across a short article on how to maintain a satisfying libido. Even if you are flying solo like me this is an important read. I truly believe if you don’t use it you lose it so staying physically and mentally healthy helps you keep that drive up.  You never know when you may need it. ;-) One of the tips… Hug Therapy Love a good rub down? You’re not the only one. Some studies have shown that men need to be touched two to three times more frequently than women in order to maintain the same level of oxytocin, the sexy bonding hormone. Without frequent touch, your brain’s circuits and…